...with your children in the Uintas (mostly for men)
10. That kid-safe (no deet) mosquito spray will suffice, allowing you to setup your tent while being swarmed by thousands of the tiny sons of ….
9. That your children will carry their small packs the entire way and consequently that if they do not you will easily, being the manly man you are, be able to carry their packs on your front side or in your hands
8. That you can find time to read Waterman’s Backwoods Ethics and McCarthy’s The Crossing while relaxing in front of a warm fire
7. That your children will surely rather eat a full course, including blueberry cheesecake and spicy kung pao chicken, freeze dried meal (estimated cooking time including water purification: 90 minutes) instead of silly Top Ramen noodles (estimated time: 5 minutes)
6. That camping 50 yards, instead of the required 75, from the trail will be “good enough for the forest ranger,” i.e., “Wow, it’s great you guys brought your small kids out here to experience the great outdoors so we’ll let this infraction go this time”)
5. That repeatedly encouraging your children through positive reinforcement (“You are doing great; now let’s work on moving forward while balancing your pack”) will lead to increased speed and a team-family spirit
4. That your child can, after 10 minutes of instruction, be able to cast a fishing pole into the lake without breaking, tangling, and splashing the entire rod and reel into the lake AND that you will have enough patience to then retrieve the pole and start all over without incurring a sudden and convulsing headache
3. That you can competently and patiently advise your 7-year old daughter in outdoor bathroom practices even if she will not allow you to “look” or get closer than 15 feet even after having major hygienic complications
2. That you can balance a cooking pot on your very small backpacking stove prongs without spilling the water or burning yourself while your children complain they are hungry AND that after spilling all the water twice (laboriously filtered from the lake) you can refrain from saying, “This stupid (bleeping) piece of (bleep)”
1. That after all of the frustrations of family back-packing you most certainly will never take your kids backpacking again OR that you will remember all the hard work the next day after you return which would then save you from ever endeavoring to pull off such an ill-conceived adventure again
8 comments:
This is why I like car camping. I like the medium-distance day hike, where I only have to carry water and a sandwhich in fanny pack. Then I come back to the site, with a cooler full of hot dogs, beer, and other goodies. That's camping.
of course my top ten is quite negative, but I'm glad we did it; not so sure I'd do it again but, as after a marthon finish, I will probably change my tune by next year
I think your top ten is hilarious! It reminded me of the summer I worked at a camp. I was one of the chaperones on a five-day backpacking trip with the oldest girls and boys (yes, together). The girls all rolled up their contraband makeup in their sleeping bags and complained about the peeing conditions. But after the first two days it kind of evened out. I think two days is the minimum it takes to get over those "I miss civilization" pangs. I didn't want to hike out on the last day, but I must say the Pop-Tarts the van driver brought us sure tasted good. And I loved that shower!
Sounds like you and Middlebrow might have to fight it out over whether to take your child car camping or backpacking.
I don't think I've laughed that hard for a long time. You know you'll do it again, by next year you'll be saying "Oh it wasn't that bad." Be grateful you trained your kids. In college I thought it would be a good idea to hike 32 miles in 42 hours on refried beans from a can and water purified with tablets. We didn’t want to pay $12 for a shuttle back to our car so we hiked back to our car. Hopefully because you began young with your children they won't go out and do what I did.
Brave, brave man.
Well I for one say great job. I'm sure your kids will remember it--maybe not fondly, but they will remember it.
I too went camping this weekend--it was a cross between Middlebrow and Dr. Write's version, but it was up there in the Uintas too.
You've just got to keep taking them, I think. Have I told you about the crazy family of hikers I saw on King's Peak. They were on a mission to hike the highest peak in every state and they had five sons. The oldest was 17 or so, but the youngest was less than two (mom was carrying him up in a sling!) Anyway, the other kids were 6 (twins) and 9ish. They were amazing hikers. They practically ran up the peak. If I have kids, I hope they're like that. BUt I think I'll stick with one or two--backpacking with four kids sounds daunting.
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