Thursday, September 15, 2005

Call and Response

Thursdays are my tough days at home. My wife works the entire afternoon and evening while I do dinner in between carting kids to piano and art class. This evening I received what seemed to be two prank calls. I think they were trying the old Bart Simpson call into Moes bar (e.g. asking if Oliver Clothesoff or Mike Rotch is in). I didn't quite catch their nifty phrase as the phone connection was a bit fuzzy and because like Moe I was duped. This is disappointing but what really burns me is my lame come-back.

I was just about to leave to pick up my two older kids from art class; I was already five minutes late and the prank caller had called earlier when I was simultaneously trying to grill peppers, cook corn, cut up a tomatoe, and instruct my daughter in proper table setting. So at this point I was getting a bit irritated with prankster joe. Once I realized it was yet again the prankster, making me even later, I really wanted to scare them off so they wouldn’t call again. And, might you wonder, what did I come up with? Was it something like Moe would say to Bart:

“Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!”

Or “It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!”

No, not exactly. Instead I somehow came up with this: “Listen, stop calling or I’m going to really be here.”

What in THE hell does that mean? They’re probably still shaking in their boots. I can’t believe I had nothing better than that. What happened?!? Performance anxiety? Fear of offending their parents if they turned out to be the Mormon Relief Society President’s kids? Inability to summon vigorous manly anger? If only they will call back so I can really stick it to them. I think I will use Moe’s “cowardly little runt” phrase and then go into a tirade about how I’m a working father with kids and dinner in the oven. Surely they will then shake in their boots and feel terribly sorry for adding stress to my already stressful evening.

3 comments:

Clint Gardner said...

Kids actually prank call still in this age of caller ID? I like your response, however. You scared them by being incoherent.

middlebrow said...

Stun them with ambiguity. Didn't you ever do prank calls as a kid?

lis said...

I never have the snappy comeback. I don't even come up with snappy comebacks after the fact.