I wrote this last week, then forgot about it. Since I'm still trying to figure out the holidays, I thought I'd throw it out there. Maybe there are others who have similar struggles or maybe I'm alone in both longing for and yet also hating my long xmas break. Also, it's high time for a long, depressing, trying to "say something deep" post on CI--that's what I'm known for and I wouldn't dream of disappointing.
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I'm probably thinking about these kinds of issues because yet again I am facing another christmas break. Generally I have not faired so well on these breaks. I give lip service, "Yeah, it's great being a teacher; lots of time to read, get together with my kids..." But in reality, and this is increasing with age, a part of me dreads the break, is afraid of the inescapable struggles I have.
I generally start off a break with a zillion little goals--more hiking, more reading, more studying, more creativity, much more of the most difficult of tasks (reading theory, catching up on academic journals, difficult novels). No surprise, then, that after a few days of NOT meeting these goals, I begin to feel heavy, lethargic, miserable.
How does one short circuit such a process? I've tried many things--pretend I have no goals, but this is lie to myself; be more active; wake up early each morning maintaining a schedule; healthy winter projects like hiking and photographing the local canyons; make goals about reaching out to others.....All of these have offered some semblance of hope but have often been short-lived.
I've noticed that I often do not feel at ease with a break until I've been on break for a couple of weeks. Then I finally can settle in and enjoy it. But this is after depression, frustration, and erratic desire.
Should I do something different this break? It seems I must consider it but what and will I even follow through with it? I don't know. I've thought of the following:
*meditation each morning
*exercise daily
*at least a couple of one on one dates with each child
*retreat, maybe to the monastery in Huntsville
*do something different as a family for christmas, like a show in vegas (we are seriously considering the Fab 4 Beatles tribute vegas show for a family trip the week before christmas)
But is this merely another reiteration of the "more" cycle? Maybe it is better to do nothing, to have zero goals, no expectations--live the break one day at a time and allow myself to do whatever it is I want to fill my day. One day I might read all day; another I might watch several films; another I might do absolutely nothing. But even this list can easily become a matter of more. More reading, more films checked off my list, more of nothing which is a goal in my mediation class. Freakin goals. Stupid goals. If only I could focus on doing "differently" instead of doing "more."
Yet...god I have no idea but I know that already I suffer in advance for the "wonderful" vacation I will start in a few weeks. I might be better off working at the local maverick or the mall selling something in one of those kiosks--maybe some lotion or beanies. Wait, I hate malls. But while I might hate it, at least I'd keep busy and have some extra money in the end. Reasoning: I will probably get down no matter what I do so why not do something that I can measure with dollars? Oh hell, I'm back to more.
8 comments:
Oh yes, you should definitely get a job at the mall over Christmas break.
I'm with Antistrophe, mall job.
Better, work on really having no goals. Relax. Read trash, no theory. Watch trashy television and trashy movies. Have trashy thoughts. I happen to be an expert in all of these areas if you need any advice.
When I worked in retail I HATED Christmas, because I had to deal with shoppers, which is the worst version of a human. Ever.
So I say, write down your list of goals and then use it to start a fire. Then watch the fire while you do something totally useless, like read a mystery or do a crossword, or write something that you will throw away.
OR just play games. Let the days happen.
But I'm also for a little structure, like doing something fun, i.e. hiking, skiing, sledding. Then hot chocolate, egg nog, etc.
You can do it.
LOL! Loved the last line.
What works for me is to have a long enough break that I can fail at achieving all my goals early--and then relax, and then get bored and set new goals to fail at. La Dulce Vita, baby!
Maybe think about what gets you to that point of, okay, now I can relax, fastest. And do that.
Just live your life. What's your favorite thing on that list? Do that first. Then do more of it.
I endorse Middlebrow's trashy strategy, also.
The good thing about winter break is that it is too short to allow for a dramatic improvement in your life in any specific way. So just embrace this and do whatever you want. Be lazy and listless or planned and productive. I'm with Lisa. Do something you like and then do it again.
And whatever you do, stay away from the mall.
So it seems the gist of all the advice is to fail quickly so I might then arrive at a spot where I can relax and enjoy the break. Ok, tomorrow morning I will endeavor to fail completely and miserably...then hopefully the good times will follow.
you're looking at this all wrong. it's not about failing. it's about realizing that sometimes living a better life is about just being rather than doing. my 2 cents. but i've been notoriously anti-goal since my days as a teen having to sit through personal progress goal meetings with the church ladies.
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